Brangelina: Causing Severe Identity Issues, One Child at a Time

I'll admit that in my day I have had crushes on both Brad and Angelina. However, once they morphed into Hollywood's scandal-ridden super-couple I noticed Brad looking a bit wrinkly and Angie (can I call her Angie?) looks a bit washed up. Jennifer Aniston on the other hand seems to improve her looks with every failed relationship! Now there's a girl I can look up to... but I digress. Anyways, I have a couple problems with the Brangelina.

1) What the hell is a UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador anyways?

Yup. You know, Angie's superhero title. It sounds pretty noble, goodwill is a good moniker to put in any title. But I did some research. Turns out it has little to do with goodwill and a lot more to do with celebrity status. Under these circumstances I will assume that Angelina has very little goodwill that is separate from good PR. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Maybe Angie (and Brad) should stop worrying about PR and start being parents.

How many kids do they have these days? 6? Something like that. Well, I hate to break it to Brangelina, but unless your 6 kids are working for you it's about time you took a reality check and realize that you've just inherited a new full-time career. It's called parenting. They should try it sometime. I nominate Brad to quit -- afterall, Angie has an important role with the UN.

3) They should start being parents so they can prepare for the onslaught of identity issues their children will have.

I'm not too worried about Shiloh, the blonde, blue-eyed celespawn. She'll be alright. She'll have her first acting gig at 7, be addicted to cocaine at 12, enter rehab at 14, pose nude for Playboy at 20 and around 25 will come out with a supersmash movie like Never Been Kissed (although we'll hardly believe it). What does concern me is the rest of their "It's a Small World Exhibit". Afterall, there are no better candidates to understand society's racism than Brangelina. They have dealt with a lot of racism themselves I'm sure. It's hard being dubbed "the two most beautiful people in the world" and it's even harder to deal with the classism they must face, being rich and all.

The point is, combating racism is not about breeding a little UN in your home. The UN has done a lot more to fuck people over than to bring them out of the trenches. It involves a powerful organization with the most sway going to - you guessed it - the most powerful countries, who do their best to keep their own interests taken care of while internationally trying to look like they too, are all goodwill. Angie herself, in many ways is the perfect figurehead to stand for an organization that does on an international level what she does privately -- takes a lot of innocent people down with her in an attempt to spread some good PR.

Keep the Crazy Confidential

I am a self-admitted overanalyst. Therefore, I may highly consider the ways I am perceived by others. I am generally worried that there are other people like me who are similarly psychoanalyzing my every move. It is one thing to constantly interpret everyone else, it is quite another to realize they are doing it to me.

Then, every once in awhile, I meet a person that disrupts my social bubble to prove that everyone is not like me. Some people really do carry on without the least regard for how their actions may be percieved.

For instance. If I was to send some poetic text message to someone that I was interested in, and never heard back... well, first I would cry, and then I would refuse to contact them ever again. Yes, this has everything to do with ego. My imagination would tell me that my object of affection is totally showing all their friends the message, and they are laughing and everyone is having a good laugh based on my hopelessly romantic feelings. Therefore, I would never contact them again.

But, see, that is just how I would do things.
Others operate differently.
Others do not percieve non-responses as a hint.
Others do not realize that silence is deafening.
Others just keep on going and going and going and going until people like me can't analyze them at all anymore.
Because I don't need to.
Case Analysis Closed: Crazy.

Demand: get your fetus off facebook.

In keeping with the theme of whining about social networking sites (ie: facebook), I am going to voice something that has long perturbed me. Well, no, I cannot even say long because something this freakish in nature has only existed since the advent of facebook. And even then, I can only really suggest that this has started happening in the last year or so. Although I know that somewhere, someone else has been subjected to this earlier. What I am talking about you ask? The facebook fetus of course.

The facebook fetus is an increasing phenomenon that involves women broadcasting their ultrasound pictures to all of us "friends" on facebook. Now, I have nothing against ultrasound pictures. If you want a picture of your little human inside you, that is cool. I even sort of understand it as I have had a yearning uterus for a couple years now. However, under absolutely no circumstances should that poor innocent human being be shoved into the e-universe without any say in the matter. In fact, I may argue it's defamation of character -- you get facebook fetused and it automatically proves to the world you have idiotic parents. That kind of information should stay top secret until the kid turns 4, enters kindergarten and eats glue.

If I have learned anything in the last few weeks, it is that people on facebook (at least the ones who aren't your real friends) are the ones who will ask the most inappropriate questions. Social norms go flying out the window, and people think it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone's grieving parents, who they have never met, "What did he die from?" in reference to their young son's death. People also seem to think it is okay to ask for clarification on who this person is, as if they would not have gotten word if in fact they had the right to ask that question in the first place. Facebook is not a place for social niceties.

Therefore, when you go putting up your facebook fetus, you have to be prepared for the (god forbid) reality that something may happen from point A to point B and maybe broadcasting every detail of your pregnancy isn't exactly the best idea. Childbirth is far from a perfect science-- do you want to have to explain to Joe Shmo why it is there aren't any new pictures of facebook fetus post-birth? No, of course not. But I swear to you someone will ask. Oh, and don't think this will be in a private message. I mean, someone will ask, on your wall, and then some other nice soul will respond "Yeah! I was wondering too!" and people will start talking about your business like it's their business and then rumours will start and you won't have a say in anything, just like your facebook fetus didn't have a say in the first place.

Do your kid and do yourself a favour. Keep you fetus to yourself, your family, and your friends. If no one else, Lil' Fetus and me will appreciate it.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?

Alright. My first beef... how... succulent. This social media stuff is getting me down, I mean I've always been on top of e-things but it seems the only way to get a writing gig these days is if you broadcast yourself to the entire world. I'm not denying my own narcissism here. Afterall, everything I do is really important. But am I really supposed to care about everyone else?

Okay, who am I kidding. I creep your shit all the time. I refresh facebook on average probably 100 times a day and yes, I've searched through every single last morsel of existence that you or your drunk friend has decided is webworthy. I've seen how much you've gained weight since grade 12, and yes, I hoped that it would happen -- I never liked your shit anyways and your Tommy Girl made me want to vomit. Glad to see that Future Shop gig is working out for you, I heard the benefits are really good there. I really hope the staff Christmas party works out as well as it did last year. No, unfortunately you didn't untag yourself fast enough. It is really too bad about that last tequlia shot. No really, I mean that.

But yeah, I still creep you.

And yes, I see all those corny things that your ex girlfriend writes on your wall, and even though it makes me a little bit sad to see how love just never seems to work out for you, mostly it makes me really happy. Are you sure you want to list Papa Roach as one of your favourite bands? Of course, to each his own.... but come on now.

So this is why social media creeps me out. Because I am terrified of people of the likes of myself out there. I am a psycho! In fact, I am so psycho that my ex told me that if we were to date (before we dated) that he would have to purchase a safe because he didn't trust me with anything in his room. This came after I stayed over for the first time and when he came home he noticed that his porn collection had been disturbed. No, it wasn't kinky. I didn't even masturbate. I was just creeping, creeping for creeping alone. Do you really think I feel comfortable knowing that there are people like me out there?

I sure hope you don't.
You should probably change your password now.