I recently tweeted about the Canadian's Women's Foundation PSA below that is circulating
around Canadian TV networks at the moment. I don’t subscribe to cable (or own a
TV for that matter), so I had yet to hear about and/or see it outside of the Internet.
However, it was recently brought up in conversation by a male friend of mine,
who had seen it on TV.
His first reaction was that it was “messed-up” (that 1 in 2 Canadian women are sexually assaulted or raped in their lifetime), and quickly
shifted to what seemed to be a, “but that can’t be true-!” which came from the
part of his soul that wished it wasn’t — Because rape and sexual assault is violent, horrific, degrading — and in many ways considered –the worst– thing that can happen to someone.
But I am a female. From my own personal research and
discussions with other women, the ½ statistic seems not only real, but perhaps
even underestimated. Unfortunately,
what we don’t seem to grasp quite yet, is that sexual assault and rape is not
(always, or usually) that movie-TV-America’s-Most-Wanted violence that we see
commonly depicted, and ultimately lambasted for its inhumanly existence. That image wrong, and we can agree on the
devastation and violence of its depiction and the act that it attempts to
represent.
What is still contested, however, is the less clear-cut forms
of rape and assault that exist far more
frequently than those media-representations of
movie-TV-America’s-Most-Wanted rape and sexual violence.
As women, our gendered experiences (those that we experience
in a large part because we are identified
as female by others/self) sometimes hurt us.
As females, daily sexual harassment
is a condition
of our realities. And as females, we similarly have a 1-in-2 chance of
being sexually assaulted or raped.
These are realities most women are aware of. To us, this statement is more than
a horrific statistic. It is consistent with women’s day-to-day experiences of what it means to not be a man. It means that at some point, you will
be hurt by a man, simply because you are not one. This translates into our sexual realities as well.
When I have made the conscious effort to have my female sisters
discuss situations where they felt passive, pressured, unenthusiastic, coerced,
guilted, scared, or threatened to have sex, the conversations are astounding. I have yet to find one person unable to tell me at least one of their own terrifying tales. These are situations that are happening beyond the dark corners of alleys and
the shady backwoods. But these acts cause pain regardless. They
are acts of sexual violence and often,
rape.
And these acts of violence happen to us. And we feel terrible,
and violated, and wronged in some strange way that isn’t exactly the
America’s-Most-Wanted form of rape – but there is no doubt in our hearts about
who was heard and hurt in the situation.
The media’s depiction of rape is far
too limited to capture the real,
frightening realities of women who experience rape and sexual assault
outside of the dominant rape-narrative. Our limited understandings of rape
therefore create doubts about where the lines are drawn, and what exactly
constitutes this false notion of “real rape”. Thinking there is a closed-box of
“real rape” definitions cause us to see rape in a dangerously limited way,
which ultimately results in more
cases of rape and sexual assault. (ie: "It wasn't rape, she was just playing hard to get", "It wasn't rape, she really wanted it", "It wasn't rape she was asking for it, she's the one who made out with me all night", "It wasn't rape, I just didn't want to use a condom", etc. etc. etc).
In order to locate our sensibilities so that these experiences
happen less, we need to accept rape and sexual assault as any instance where there is not enthusiastic
consent. If enthusiastic consent is new to you, consult
this powerful piece.
____
In the end, although the other ladies who were present when my male friend brought up the PSA weren’t outright in supporting the statistical claims, (women can also understand
rape in dangerously limited terms), neither did they reject the idea with the
same terror that my male friend did. And I hate to admit it male friends and
family (just as I hate to live it), but your female friends, girlfriends, wives, sisters, cousins, mothers,
grandmothers, and daughters exist in a reality where being raped, or sexually
assaulted is the norm. We must do our
part to ensure that our to-be daughters are part of a safer and more loving
reality.
Do not support rape culture.
Listen to the women in your life. We have some pretty crazy
stories.
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