Q&A: Why can't I say retard?

Recently, a friend of mine sent me a very honest question. I responded in length to him, and figured it could be of use to others who have ever wondered about using those words.

Dear DJ Beef,

I am having a conversation with a friend of mine about the useage of language with respect to victimization of various demographics. We are talking about reclamation of words... and it's a concept I don't really understand, likely on account of me being a straight white male. On the one hand, the argument is that using a word like 'faggot' carries with it all the terrible ways that word has been used to spread hatred and pain, but on the other hand, somehow it stops doing that when it's the people using it within that community.... 

You are smart, I and I know you've spent a decent amount of energy thinking on things like this. Help me out here.. I like saying "bitch" and "slut" and "retard".... but I don't want to be knowingly victimizing people either... This is confusing for me.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

You rock,

Anonymous.

Dear anonymous,

Well, to be honest you don't seem that confused, other than perhaps in disagreement how reclamation of a word can really do any good. And that is a point of contention among groups in various communities as well -- not all LGBTQ people agree with the reclamation of the word queer, and not all black people are in support of use of the n-word within their communities. Personally, the only words I have much reclamation over are those such as bitch and slut, and to be honest I don't think women are at a point where using those words to describe people serves any purpose other than ostracizing others in the community we are supposedly trying to reach solidarity with. So I can understand your disagreement with this idea.

That being said, unfortunately Mr. Straight White Male, you don't really put yourself in a great position using any of these contentious-type words. Although many people understand the "I don't mean it that way", the reality is that language and power are very much caught up in each other. Whether you "mean it" or not, you are always using those words from a position of privilege. Speaking from a position of privilege, and using words that have been used to victimize and oppress certain groups of people in the past, ultimately lumps you into the category of someone who is using those words in a way that continues to marginalize people as "other" or different from you -- whether it's the context you intend or not.

There are certain words that are more acceptable than others. Consider, "bitch" for instance. That word gets thrown around like it's nobody's business and some may argue that for this reason it isn't really offensive. I disagree. I think the more acceptable terms are positively correlated with how oppressed certain groups continue to be. Why is it that bitch is so acceptable? Consider it against the use of "retard". Is there any doubt in your mind that people with disabilities are even close to having the same access and rights as those who are able bodied or minded? Perhaps our language and acceptability of certain offensive terms reflects this inequity.

The truth is this: when I walk into a group of people, let's say they are male (although women are similarly guilty of this), and there is a discussion going on where the term "slut" is being thrown around. I never feel good about it. In fact, it feels unsafe to me, as if somehow these men are able to project moral superiority over people they have no experience of, or being. What gives them a right to use a word that is used to degrade people more like me, than them? Does this mean I write these people off and would never be friends with them? No. But it does mean I may consider their values, and ultimately what prejudices they hold under the immediate surface. I definitely am going to be suspicious, and I wouldn't want to date someone who went around calling women sluts, that is for sure.

As a result, I try not to use any of those contentious words. Of course they slip. Sometimes it would feel so nice calling the woman who just wronged me a "dumbass bitch cunt slut". But I think sometimes it feels good just because there is so much power behind those words. Why don't other words suffice? And in the end, as someone who does have a lot of privilege myself, I think being required to give up usage of a few words is the least I can do from a position where pretty much everything else is nicely handed to me. Perhaps it is one of the few things that are "not allowed" for someone in my position. I think in the end, that's okay with me.